Scandal Review: Where’s the Black Lady?


Hello and good morning my fellow Gladiators,

As you all know, today is the beginning of the period of Scandal detox, where we cleanse our bodies of the TGIT-induced stress from the night before. Unfortunately for me, I have to relive this stress as I type this review. By the way, my letter to Shonda Rhimes is still in the works. Also, she still hasn’t blocked me on Twitter. We’re getting somewhere, folks.


Let us begin the debrief of last night’s shenanigans, shall we?

Within the first five minutes, we find out what we were wondering all last week: what is Fitz doing to find Olivia? He calls on every known military, spy and law enforcement team known to the country to get his woman back, as expected. Now, I had a hunch that the VP was behind the kidnapping. What I didn’t know and am having trouble grasping is the idea of him getting the Secret Service, the CIA, the FBI, EVEN THE MAIDS on his side to play Inch-High Private Eye with the President. Andy says he only wants one thing in exchange for Liv’s freedom, a war with West Angola, but seeing as he operates like a zombie extra on The Walking Dead, he’s never gonna be satisfied with one thing and he’s gonna keep feasting off the President’s misery until somebody cuts his head off. It is clear that Andrew Nichols has lost his mind and left it in the gutter to wait for his career to follow. Kidnap Liv AND try and take over the presidency? Needless to say, he’s getting on my nerves. If Fitz doesn’t handle him, I might have to make a guest appearance on the show and take care of him myself. We give that man a feature and he thinks that means he can be the lead. Boy, bye.


It seems as though Fitz has also misplaced some things and by the end of the episode, I’m convinced that they won’t be grown back for a while (hint, hint). He really does try to act like he’s in control when he tells Andrew he needs proof of life before he does a thing, but he almost dropped his scotch at the same time that the words came out his mouth. You aren’t slick, Fitz. My issue is that you are the President of the United States, the ruler of the free world, most of all, you are LIV’S GUY and you mean to tell me that somebody who is runner-up to you by default has you shook? Get it together, Fitzgerald, we simply do not have time for all that.

In comes Mellie, of course, to distress me even further with her sob story about how she thought Andrew was the one until she found out that yet again, she was being taught an unwarranted lesson in sharing. And Jesus wept. AGAIN, Mellie throws a temper tantrum because AGAIN if it’s not about Mellie, it’s not about anything. I’m getting irritated just thinking about it. Moving on.

While the president is trying to retrieve his stolen cojónes from the VP, Liv’s hair and well being are in distress as she holds today’s copy of the Clarion International. They played that “proof of life” tape so many times last night that I was about to go grab a copy of the Clarion International and it doesn’t even exist! Anywho, despite having a hair situation, Liv’s brain is completely intact and she knows that the video will eventually make it back to her team, so she hatches a plan to send them a signal. Genius. She asks for a glass of water and holds the cup up so the reflection shows the face of Sketchy Ian, her kidnapper. Reasons why Liv is our fearless leader. Who else would’ve thought of that? I’ll answer that, NOBODY.


Meanwhile, Huck got the MVP award last night for loyalty. He will do anything in the world for Olivia and we are all completely jealous and wish we had a friend that will whip out the tools and put some good old fashioned torture on someone who crosses us. Although Lizzy Bear wasn’t aware that Andrew had Olivia kidnapped at first, being guilty by association was enough for Huck. I’m here for Huck stepping in to save Olivia when her two allegedly powerful boyfriends are obviously asleep on the job. However, what he did to Elizabeth’s back……that was a bit much. I almost thought Scandal turned into “Roots: When The Slaves Strike Back.” On that note, we can confidently say that Huck is back on duty, folks.

Now, even though I can’t stand Mellie as a human being, as FLOTUS she comes through as she did yet again, with the classic move of putting Andrew to sleep and stealing his phones. Brownie points for Mellie. For now. I’m 9000% sure she’s going to piss me off again next week, but as of right now, she’s safe.


I would be remiss if I didn’t mention Florence from The Jeffersons (Marla Gibbs) waltzing into Pope & Associates asking for the black lady. I cannot stop laughing at that. Operation Save Liv just became Operation Save The Black Lady.

So now that Huck is the head of Operation Save The Black Lady, they have retrieved the Andrew Nichols’ phone and find out where Liv is being held. OR SO THEY THOUGHT. Olivia, with her infinite storage of intelligence realizes that Ian is not in charge, he’s taking orders from someone and as we recall, Olivia Pope doesn’t answer to anyone who can’t tell her yes or no. But of course, Ian gets all protective of his manhood and feels the need to “regain control” by threatening to sexually assault Liv. I’m sure Liv was not amused because just like me, guys with manhood issues bore me. Ian better rotate, because we just don’t have the time nor the patience for all that.

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Fortunately, Liv knows that she is Helen of Troy and also realized that her hair needs to be laid and that cannot be done in the confinement of a cell. She uses her smarts yet again to devise a plan to sell her “handling” abilities and her power of “purr-suasion” over the president to the highest bidder. Of course, Ian thinks he’s now in control of the whole Olivia Pope enterprise, but that smirk Liv gives as she looks out the window of the plane and the fact that her edges have been laid tell us otherwise. We’ll see the power of a good Dominican blowout next week.

Later, Gladiators.


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