by BREANA BACON
Good morning, Gladiators.
I will yet again spare you all the fluff because I know you are not in the mood for it and, quite frankly, neither am I. I am shocked, appalled and distressed this morning and I don’t think I’ll recover until after this season of Scandal ends. This is what Shonda Rhimes has done to me, to us. I was ready to fall out my seat at 9:18 p.m. I’m positive that emergency rooms across the country see an increase in the patients that come in for cardiovascular issues on Thursday nights, due to Shonda-induced trauma on their hearts. It’s just not normal to have a show that good, it just isn’t. On top of that, I noticed she was retweeting a few of her followers during the show last night. I was not one of the few selected, shockingly, since I tweet her faithfully every single Thursday. But no worries, my friends. My time will come.
Let us proceed with the recap of last night’s stress-isode.
First of all, we knew that this would be one for the books because of the “Viewer Discretion” disclaimer before the start of the show. Once I saw that, all my preparation for this week’s episode had been thrown in the garbage disposal. I wasn’t sure whether to squeal with excitement or cry in terror. I ended up doing a mixture of both. Don’t judge me.
At the start of the show, we see signs of life in the sleeping bear that is Cyrus Bean, as he has drafted the executive orders to punish the Vice President for the biggest of all Scandal sins: kidnapping Olivia Pope. Now we all know that if Andrew can fake an assassination attempt, kidnap Liv, and send the country to war, you know he’s gonna do whatever he can to make sure he stays in a position where he can still operate on foolishness. Andrew and Fitz are like a basketball player and a groupie that he makes his wife. She’ll say she’s there for him and not the money, but guess who’s not signing that prenup? Let me mind my business because I’m digressing.
Then Abby finally starts to realize that something is wrong. After blowing up Liv’s phone, seeing her house in disarray and getting no answers from her former team, she goes to the President for some answers. But not before Huck puts her in her place, telling her she is not a Gladiator anymore. (“We can’t trust the White House; Abby is the White House.” -Huck) She goes on to pop off on David Rosen for not telling her that her “only friend” was kidnapped, only to be told about herself AGAIN. Red just can’t get a break, huh? I’m gonna be honest with you all, though. Although Abby has been a real pain in regards to Olivia and threw some serious shade last season, she has been loyal to Liv when she needed to be, even when she wasn’t aware that she was (i.e. the pipe situation in Vermont from two weeks ago). So for that, I sympathize with Abby and she gets a tear shed from my eye on her behalf. Just one, because other than last night, her attitude stinks worse than a day-old dirty diaper.
As we know, the TGIT Date Auction featuring our own Bae for Sale, Liv, has begun and only the big ballers and shot callers can get in on bidding. Sketchy Ian has realized that Liv is top dollar and that Andrew Nichols didn’t realize that she was way above his pay grade. Too bad that Gus, one of Ian’s band of idiot kidnappers, isn’t too pleased with the deviation from the original plan. Ian soon learns that deviation with get you shot. Personally, I wasn’t ready for all that violence but Shonda did not seem to care. Anyway, Gus takes over in a style similar to the Somali pirates in Captain Phillips and for a second, Gus almost had a win there but of course Olivia threatens to bite his finger off. Gus just needs to find a grip and hold onto it tight, because I’m not here for all the attitude he’s giving and neither is Liv. Get it together, boo, we don’t have time for all that.
Back in Washington, the President wants in on the bidding for Olivia, and Mellie is all for it, saying she and Fitz sleep better with Liv in between them. I don’t know about y’all but I was honestly in tears when Mellie said that. She never has a filter but that was comedy gold right there. Three brownie points for you, Mel.
Huck & Co. are trying to get into the bidding as well but they seem to run into a couple problems. The first is that none of them have money to bid. OR SO WE THINK. Jake from State Farm has $2 million on it, but Huck raises him $2 BILLION. Where is my Huck with $2 billion dollars to save me from being auctioned off and to pay my bills and my tuition and buy me nice things? BUT I DIGRESS.
The other problem the trio faces is that they weren’t invited to the party. The top diplomats, terrorists, and money makers in the world are on the Dark Net trying to get a piece of Liv and while Huck may be sitting on $2 billion from the pockets of B-613, he still isn’t on the radar of the World’s Most Wanted. But they know someone who is. And in comes Mama Pope, back like she never left! She knows a thing or two about terrorists and who to talk to in order to get in on the bidding for Olivia. While she wants her daughter back, it comes with a price, as does anything with Maya Pope. It seems as though they settle on a TV in exchange for a meeting with a character named Gustavo, Maya reveals to Huck that he’s gonna have to relapse with his….alcohol problem if he wants to save Olivia. Gustavo wants some people dead and she knows Huck is the man for the job. Unfortunately for those of us eating dinner while watching (me), he was too much of the man for the job. Huck went OFF, cutting off limbs, severing heads, and looking like the Hobbit while doing it. I almost spat out my shrimp alfredo. We know Huck can be a bit excessive at times, but that was a bit much. Get it together, Huck We’re concerned.
Meanwhile, the VP has threatened Mellie with exposing their relationship and letting the world see how dirty her knees really are for men other than her husband. Mellie wants to get Olivia back, but not at the expense of being slut-shamed by the American people. “America will forgive a man 1000 infidelities but they won’t forgive a woman one. Even one.” Truer words have never been spoken. Luckily Fitz realizes that and earns a brownie point for the night, letting Andrew get a free pass for Mellie’s sake. But not before Cyrus makes a minion out of his darling Lizzy Bear. She’s been shaking like a hooker in church since Huck took her back to the pre-Civil War days and Cy is enjoying every bit of it. Right on, Cy, right on.
What really has me stressed this morning is the fact that “Iran” supposedly shut down the auction and threw everyone into a frenzy because they paid cash for Olivia. Shonda is playing with us. West Angola is understandable, but Iran? Iran= Eli Pope? That’s who my money is on. But we shall know the truth and it shall set us free from stress next week! Or not.
Happy Valentine’s Day, Gladiators.