They say Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year, but let’s be real: it’s Autumn. Not just because of football or bold lip colors, but also because Cookie and the gang are back to fight once again over that multi-million dollar empire.
Yes, FOX’s Empire is that loud uncle at the barbeque who likes to make everyone uncomfortable by drinking way too many Heineken beers, while forcing them to engage in weirdo 90s dance moves such as “the bump.” Cringe-worthy, but extremely fulfilling nonetheless. So to celebrate its second season premiere September 23rd, a recap of all the melodramatic moments that pretty much killed us dead last season is in session.
- Bunkie’s Death: Empire‘s first episode ever ended quite literally, with a bang when the infamous “protagonist” Lucious Lyon killed Mr. Bunkie Williams, his best friend/only friend/ride-or-die/ ride-or-be-murdered…
2. Jamal’s Dumpster Flashback: Perhaps one of the saddest moments of the season was when Jamal and Lucious both looked back to the time Lucious threw his own son in the garbage just for wearing high heels and a scarf on his head as a young boy. Strike two, Lucious. Strike two.
3. Naomi Campbell: Okay, so Campbell is not actually playing herself on the show, but c’mon. No one could even pay attention to half the words she said the entire season because they were too busy fangirling over the fact that it’s freaking Naomi Campbell! Also, she consistently makes out with an 18-year-old kid, but let’s look past that part.
4. Cookie in Jail: *Tears* Watching flashbacks of Cookie singing “You’re So Beautiful” while rotting in prison after taking the blame for her then husband’s drug business was the worst. Now THAT is loyalty.
5. Lucious Gets the Cookie: We all knew it was going to happen, but it was still pretty weird to watch. Like, really weird. Like, “Hey, let me check my Instagram for the next 20 seconds while FOX really lets this happen” weird.
6. Baby Lyon: Surprisingly, the fact that Lucious is the real father of Lola was not the most bizarre part of this storyline. It was the fact that Raven Symone played Jamal’s baby momma.
7. Andre Finds Jesus: Andre broke hearts again and again this season, as he struggled to find his purpose in all this empire business. But he finally got a few moments of clarity when a devout Christian, played by Jennifer Hudson, showed him the light. If only he had ditched his MEGA boring wife and ended up with her, instead.
8. Jamal Comes Out: Of course, everyone was happy EXCEPT for Lucious, but who cares? Gay pride + an all-white wardrobe = my kind of party.
9. The SmackDown: The fist fight between Cookie Lyon and Anika was like buying a Chick-fil-A sandwich from Stamp Student Union: totally worth waiting for. That is all. Speaking of Boo Boo Kitty…
10. The Hook Up: Two things we learned from this trifling mess. Hakeem apparently likes any woman over the age of 30. Anika apparently likes any man with the last name Lyon.
11. White Girl to the Rescue: So that boring wife Andre has saved his life. And possibly killed Lucious’ employee Vernon Turner. Oh, and then told Andre she was pregnant five seconds later. But wait, don’t you two kind of have an open marriage? Girl, hush.
12. Lucious’ Confession: Apparently hallucinating Lucious Lyon is the same as VMAs Kanye West. He accidentally confessed to killing Bunkie aloud, then there was all this “trippy” narcissistic type stuff.
13. The “Rap” Battle: And finally, Jamal turned Empire into 8 Mile when he came to an underground rap battle to face that jerk rapper Black Rambo. While his words touched audiences everywhere, people also had to ask themselves: who comes to a rap battle equipped with nothing but their best falsetto and WINS?