by BREANA BACON
My precious fellow Gladiators, I have returned and so have our fearless leaders, Olivia Pope and Shonda Rhimes.
As per usual, I am stressed and baffled and my edges, that I have spent exactly five months to the day growing back since the season four finale, have been swiftly snatched from me. Thank God almighty that it’s almost the time to pull out the beanies and hats so I can hide this atrocity. I will be billing Shonda for my hair salon costs, as should you all.
Anyway, let us debrief once again.
When we left our fabulous fixer last season, she was seemingly about to live happily ever after with Fitz, retiring to a cozy house in Maine, making jam and taking the dog for a walk. In the opening of season five, we are unfortunately subjected to hearing yet another rant by the forever-nauseating Sally Langston, because the fictional POTUS is throwing a dinner party for the real fairy-tale couple, the prince of Caledonia and his American bride, all for reasons of political nature of course.
But who cares about that? Y’all Liv was wearing the Navy shirt. THE NAVY SHIRT. IN FITZ’S BED. IN THE WHITE HOUSE.
At this point, I was ready to turn off my TV and go to bed. I had seen enough. But no, Shonda said not so. I said a quick prayer that the Lord would protect my edges and keep my blood pressure stable and kept watching.
Our vision of happily ever after, however, was disrupted when Liv receives a call causing her to run down a police clad tunnel to find tons of paparazzi taking pictures of a very dead princess and her overturned car. Of course, Olivia has to break the news to the queen and her widower son, who breaks our hearts by asking Liv to keep the pictures of her dead body out of the tabloids to preserve her dignity. Again, where is my prince with a fancy accent who wants to preserve my dignity? I promise you all, I will not digress as much this season.
Back to the topic.
Immediately the news of the royal tragedy (no pun intended) is let fly and Olivia enlists her now one person team (since Huck has decided to hole himself up on Olivia’s couch while she plays house at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.) to pay off the paparazzi in exchange for files containing every picture taken of the dead princess.
Quinn the Super Sleuth is able to identify all of the sleazy photographers except one. Because he’s not a photographer at all. She and Liv discover that what looked like a camera at first glance, is a device that was used to hack into the princess’ car, making this, you guessed it, folks, A MURDER SCANDAL. *cues Law & Order tune*
Meanwhile, Mellie is back and complaining more than ever because Fitz is not groveling at her filthy feet. And Jesus wept. I am just not here for Mellie and her melodrama this season. I am ready for Maine, cozy houses and jam, Mellie sold separately.
Apparently Fitz isn’t here for Mellie’s foolishness either, after disinviting her her from the state dinner for the prince and princess and swearing not to show up to Mellie’s swearing in as junior senator of the great state of Virginia. Folks, I will be frank, I saw this coming. I saw Fitz pulling setting out his petty suit and setting Mellie straight once and for all, but what I didn’t see was the reads that would be dealt in this first episode.
Read no. 1: Lizzie Bear vs. Mellie
Many things haven’t changed in terms of characters this season, but one character who has decided that she will no longer play the footstool is the President’s new Chief of Staff, our Lizzie Bear. Mellie tries to regain some control over her former chief of staff, bringing up how she released her from the hands of Huck and Quinn, but honey, Lizzie was not having it. What a time to be alive when Mellie is read to absolute filth with thirty-eight minutes left in the show. I am 110% here for it. The read tally is at one.
Read number two: Fitz vs. Mellie
Now we all know that Fitz and Mellie are the most toxic couple on television and that the strain on their relationship grew overwhelming when Mellie released the names of the jury members on the Rowan case, causing their gruesome deaths and ultimately, sabotaging the case. Fitz is done with her, just like me. So I was thoroughly confused as to why Mellie thought showing up to her swearing in was him saying he wanted to make things work. You know, Mellie is the type of woman who’s man will pack up his things and leave but come back to get a sweater he forgot, and she’ll think he’s moving back in.
Her dreams were quickly crushed, much to my delight, when Fitz proceeded to become the second person to read her in a matter of 24 fictional hours, serving her with divorce papers and saying she has no choice but to sign because he’s fulfilled his bucket list so he has nothing to lose, but her “greatest accomplishment is smiling and waving.” I fell out, y’all.
Fitz pulled a Money Mike on her.
Shonda offered us a brief hiatus from our literature comprehension to reveal that our princess was a little bit of a vixen. Homegirl was channeling her inner Whitney Houston and fell in love with the bodyguard AND HAD A BUN IN HER OVEN. After this scalding tea was spilled, it seemed as though her husband found out and had she and the bodyguard killed. Seems plausible, right? Wouldn’t you like that. Well, too bad, Shonda decided to rip our edges strand by strand tonight, and as it turns out Queen Grandma (or not) knew all along and SHE planned the hit on the princess and her lover. Talk about a Monster-in-Law.
Nasty Nana never really had my respect but if there was ever hope for her to gain it, it was all lost when she read the unreadable, checked the uncheckable and put the one woman who makes the place in her place.
Read number three: The Queen vs. Olivia Pope
Yes, you all read correctly, this woman set our beloved Olivia Pope straight and seemingly scared her into silence about the horrific hit she placed on her daughter-in-law. She went so far as to tell Liv she couldn’t leave because the Queen did not dismiss her. OLIVIA POPE DOES NOT GET DISMISSED, Y’ALL. It just does not happen. I was shocked and appalled. This woman had no right.
Another break in our Drop Everything And Read session brought us to our poor Huck, who’s trying to get his life together on Olivia’s couch, brings us close to tears, asking Liv to fix him. I had to repeat the mantra “I will not cry” to myself during this scene. Shonda already had my edges, she was not getting my tears too. Not that night.
Despite Huck’s mental issues, Scandal continued to enhance our comprehension level by offering us even more readings, this time from the prince. Upon being hired by the royal family, Olivia signed a non-disclosure agreement which kept her from telling the public about what the Gruesome Queen Granny did to her daughter-in-law and illegitimate grandchild. But the agreement didn’t include Olivia keeping that information from the prince, who upon learning of his mother’s dastardly deeds demanded that his mother denounce her position on the throne and banish herself to the winter house, saying that he didn’t want to see her again until her funeral. WELL ALRIGHT THEN. The final read tally is at six with the alley-oop from the prince to Liv.
It seemed as though this final read of the night and Fitz and Olivia agreeing to take things slow with being public about their relationship meant a happy ending to the season opener and that wigs would be kept on the heads of Scandal fans everywhere.
However, Shonda is not in the business of leaving edges, wigs, or lives intact.
Someone has leaked videos and pictures of Olitz’s love affair to Sally Langston, who has everything short of a field day with this information. This is only the beginning and my edges are gone. Thank you Shonda, I am eternally grateful.
I’m off to buy some Dr. Miracle, Gladiators. Lets hope I see some growth by next week.