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Jane the Virgin Season 2 Premiere Recap: “Chapter Twenty-Three”

by MARYAM OUTLAW

After a four-month long summer hiatus, CW’s Jane the Virgin came back with an adorable season 2 premiere last night full of two-faced nuns, certified sociopaths and of course, the most adorable newborn ever created.

When we last saw Jane, she had finally given birth to her cute little bundle of joy, a baby boy that she named Mateo. And not ten minutes after he was born, he was kidnapped by Sin Rostro a.k.a Jane’s baby daddy’s sister’s ex-lover, a criminal mastermind who gives delinquents plastic surgery so they can escape the law and start life anew.

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Of course, everyone finds out and immediately starts panicking. As it turns, out Sin Rostro wants to trade the baby back for an ugly brooch Luisa, Rafael’s sister, took from her during a night of “love making.” So Jane lifts herself right out of bed after giving BIRTH for goodness sake and travels with both Michael and Rafael to find it. And THIS is why women are superior to men in every way possible.

They find the brooch in Luisa’s pool, and  when Michael goes to make the trade, who does he see holding Mateo? Nadine Hanson, Michael’s former work partner turned Sin Rostro accomplice. She tells him that the brooch contains the names, prior faces and current faces of every offender Sin Rostro gave plastic surgery. Although, Michael could really use the information for his case as a detective, he refuses it and snags Mateo. You know, because who would choose a brooch over a HUMAN BEING?

Yay, Jane gets her baby back!!!!

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The rest of the episode is way less dramatic. Jane quickly develops mommy guilt as she figures Mateo is already traumatized by his hour-long kidnapping, and becomes incredibly frustrated by her struggles with breastfeeding.

It also does not help that Jane’s father Rogelio tweeted to his followers Mateo’s safe homecoming, prompting a herd of people, who believe Mateo is a sign of Jesus’ second coming, to celebrate in Jane’s own front yard.

So basically Jane is famous now. Not Kylie Jenner famous, but you know, Rachel Dolezal famous. If we liked Rachel Dolezal.

Worst of all, the greedy nuns who tried to financially capitalize on Jane’s pregnant virgin status last season, then fired her, tell reporters how much they now apparently worship her.

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Speaking of Rogelio, he and Jane’s mother Xiomara drunkenly got married in Las Vegas last season. Xiomara tells Jane and Jane’s grandmother Alba, then says she wants an annulment. Mhmm, sure…

Meanwhile, Rafael finds his new role as a father and a part of Jane’s family a bit uncomfortable. So Michael, being the frustratingly nice guy that he is, advises Rafael to start reading baby books to impress Jane and her family, which works likes a charm. Ugh, Michael what side of your own love triangle are you on?!?!

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After Jane finally stops crying and starts lactating (in front of all her front yard followers), Rafael’s ex wife Petra, who has been taking a super depressing walk down memory lane since Mateo’s birth, decides to artificially inseminate herself with Rafael’s leftover sperm, which she stole. To which we all say:

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Later, Jane ends the night by finally getting some shut-eye as Rafael rocks their baby…shirtless. Apparently, that helps babies bond with their fathers better. Of course, the whole situation is a little sexually confusing for Jane seeing as shirtless + six pack + newborn + rocking chair =

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Anyway, the episode ends with some mysterious figure that is NOT Sin Rostro uttering in a foreign language after looking at news articles of Jane on her phone, “Let’s go after her.” Can any one live happily ever after with their adorable kids?

Episode MVP: Jane Villanueva. Reason: Hello, childbirth?

Week’s Suckiest Character: Bandwagoning nuns

Line of the Night: “When he opens his mouth, will you stuff my boob in it like a hamburger?”- Jane Villanueva

So, who is this new villain? Does Xo actually want to divorce Rogelio? Will the media back off of Jane? And when is the next time we get to see Rafael half-naked? Stay tuned!

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