by BREANA BACON
Look y’all, I’m feeling like Tamela Mann tonight. I’m tired and after this week’s episode I need nothing than to be taken to the throne of grace. Jesus take the wheel and steer it to the king.
Olivia Pope needs to be fixed? That just isn’t right. My letter to Shonda is coming as soon as my Dr. Miracle edge repair arrives, I promise.
Anyway, let us begin before the stress comes creeping back.
The first question (of many) that I have for Shonda tonight, before we divulge into the world of Scandal, is where in the world is Cyrus’ child? Honestly, I’m on the cusp of calling Child Protective Services and issuing an Amber alert, because this child has been missing for almost two seasons and I am genuinely getting worried. We’ve seen his ex-prostitute husband and even his silk pajamas– but no baby.
Secondly, Olivia is wearing….prints?
When did that become a thing? I prepared myself for laid curls and statement solids this episode, but stick a pin in that, we’ll come back to it.
Our episode opens with Cyrus going full-blown Mellie Grant post-Jerry crazy. Dark room, curtains drawn, empty wine bottles and chips. He’s lost it. Pray for him, y’all.
So, anyway, Leo “Mouth Almighty” Bergen is back screaming and being melodramatic this episode to fix the fixer. After Olivia has her name smeared all over prime time television and daily tabloids and Clint– I mean, Fitz, is waiting to stand political trial for his “impeachable offenses,” she decides it’s time to reclaim her name and silence the noise about her. Leo is enlisted to help and immediately shows signs that he’s lost his mind too.
He takes a tour of Liv’s sacred wardrobe that we all wish we had, and has the nerve and audacity to tell her she is no longer allowed to wear any of her precious clothes unless they are bought from the mall. Y’all, I almost fainted. The MALL? Olivia Pope is a style icon, a fashion maverick and you want her to go back to being basic and shopping at the mall? Where the peasants of Shondaland shop? I need Leo to find his mind as quickly as he’s lost it because that idea has “NO” written boldly in black Sharpie all over it. The mall? The nerve…
THEN, this man sends Olivia to the grocery store rebuking her from wine and popcorn. No killer clothes, no wine and popcorn, being seen at the mall and the supermarket? People, this is no longer Olivia Pope. I’m not here for it. NOT ONE BIT. The ONLY idea Leo presents that I even slightly agree with is getting someone respectable and popular to the public to speak to Olivia’s character. The only thing is, the only people other than OPA and her parents who know her well are her exes. And first on the list is Edison Davis. Have mercy.
Edison is not here for Olivia at the moment after she read him to filth a couple seasons ago for suggesting that she was sleeping with Fitz. Even though I sympathize with Edison because nobody likes to be played with like that and then find out they were right the entire time, but homeboy needs to cool it with the “criminal, whore, idiot, and liar” thing. The criminal, whore, idiot and liar will serve you your whole career on a silver platter then snatch it back from you like you stole it. Don’t play games and don’t think you’re in control, boo. You still lied on national television because Olivia said so. You ain’t got the juice like that; she does.
Next, Fitz needs a lawyer and the one he gets is a wild turkey. She enters the room with her reading glasses on and kicks Lizzie Bear and Abby to the curb. At the same time, Mellie is kicked to the curb too, when she’s forced to step down from her position on Fitz’s impeachment judiciary committee as she’ll be seen as a scorned girlfriend complaining about her ex. *clears throat* Well if the shoe fits…
Liv finds herself in a bit of trouble after she breaks her own rule, telling Leo that Fitz never gave her any gifts, forgetting about his grandmother’s ring. Unfortunately, Mellie remembers before she does and I was not playing when I said that hell hath no fury like a Mellie scorned because baby girl sang like a canary to the press about that ring. Then she joins Cyrus in his self-pity party. And Jesus wept.
The next ex on Liv’s list is Jake From State Farm, but she’s in for a rude awakening when she drops by his place. Elise the Mysterious is there and she is not feeling Liv showing up to her man’s place unannounced. Jake gets to show off a little bit and when Elise marks her territory, he can’t hide the “Now what?” in his eyes. Disgusting. I love it. How dare Olivia lead this man on and then leave him hanging more than once for a married man who can’t make any decisions on his own and starts wars to save his piece of booty when Jake is perfect, unmarried and wants to start a new life on a beach in some foreign island? How dare she expect him not to find someone who will appreciate him? HOW DARE SHE DO ALL THIS WHEN I’M STILL NOT GETTING A TEXT BACK?
Look, I keep telling y’all not to let me digress and you let it happen again. Stop it.
Anyway, the committee has gotten to Marcus and it seems like they have him shaken until he hears that OPA needs to get inside intel on the committee t get Olivia out of the piping hot water she’s dipped in. However, he’s smart and loyal and agrees to work with the committee for the sole purpose of helping Olivia win. He’s a keeper.
Now Leo is making Olivia go on TV and do an interview and sell her “fairytale love story,” but instead we see the Liv we know and love make a comeback, as she explains that even though she loves Fitz, the pain and grief their relationship has caused just wasn’t worth it and if she could take it back, she would. But she can’t and America needs to find a grip and hold onto it tight because even though she wishes she never met him, she did. However, that doesn’t mean she’s some bimbo who can’t do anything on her own, she is, as the great Rick Ross once said, self-made and self-paid. She doesn’t need him. I’m here for the monologue, allllll they way here for it. Three snaps for Liv.
The interview seems to be going well until Liv comes back to OPA and finds out that the committee has gotten hold of the tape sent to Fitz when Olivia was kidnapped and may find out that Fitz went to war with a country that didn’t do a thing to America for his mistress. An unmistakably impeachable offense. The only person connecting Fitz to that video is Cyrus. Sounds like somebody has some begging to do.
And that he does, Fitz gets his grovel on but it seems as though Cyrus isn’t feeling his act figures out that the committee has the West Angola tape and reads Fitz and his plan like a copy of Cosmopolitan magazine. He gives off crazy, psychotic girlfriend teas, recounting the exact details of a debate 16–no, 17 years ago and what Fitz had breakfast when he was named governor of California. He reminded me of those teenagers that celebrate two week anniversaries and count down to the second. Weird.
I was hoping that Cyrus wouldn’t fall for the foolishness, but he did. I’m stressed.
I’ll see y’all next week.